The pain of separation

I reached for you but the sheets were cold, the bed empty

I turned around my eyes burning with tears

Clutched my pillow tight , cried myself to sleep

I must have done this every night for so long

It was an effort to wake up each morning

Dragging myself out of bed standing up on shaky feet

My spirit was broken I looked such a mess

For the longest time I couldn’t think straight

I drifted from day to day aimlessly

My dreams had shattered before my eyes

The walls of protection had come crashing down

I was vulnerable and totally exposed

Replaying the sequences and scenes over and over

Asking myself the questions I dared not ask out loud

Working myself into a frenzy and panic

How do I go on?

Sometimes I sit in quiet solitude just staring out to sea

I feel the waves beckoning me and I start to walk in

Nothing else around me seems to matter anymore

Until someone runs up and shakes me into reality

I have no tears left no strength to move

My heart aches my head feels like a rock

Friends talk to me, I listen but don’t really hear a sound

All the while just thinking, where did I go wrong?

I turn to God in my desperation, the only sanity I seem to have

I look for answers in all the wrong places take all the wrong turns

I beat myself up, my confidence shattered

I have become a stranger, someone even I hardly recognize

I am angry, confused, feeling hurt and betrayed

Every milestone reminding me it was all a lie

More angry at myself for feeling this way

The bitter pill of separation seems to have gotten the best of me

Jekyll and Hyde

When I met you I was young and naive
You had that twinkle in your eye, Oh! I was so mesmerised
We chatted for hours, swapped stories and laughed till morning
I took in every word, cherished every moment of that day
Yes, It was a little past 3am when I fell hopelessly in love with you

You made me smile, you wiped away my tears
You were my rock, a little shaky but firm enough to withstand the storms
Every moment spent with you was an adventure
Nothing ever bordered on boredom, life was one big party
You accepted me for who I was, no rules, no bullshit 
I felt so free yes, you could say I was addicted

Years went by, we weathered many storms
Oppositions were aplenty but, I thought we grew strong
I was in it for keeps I thought you were too
Never believed a word I heard 
How could I? You lived there right inside me
A ticking time bomb waiting to explode

I woke up one morning to the harsh reality that you were gone
In your place was this man I hardly recognised
Little did I realise how destructive you were
Heartless to the core, a real Jekyll and Hyde
Before I knew it you ripped out my heart
Sent it splattering to the floor in a million pieces
You broke me down to nothingness, until I could stand no more

My world crashed around me, my home fell apart
The family I knew was no more
Sadness and depression engulfed me but, you moved on
Your head held high your ego full on
I loved you from the very depths of my being
I had promised to never let anyone hurt you ever again
I guess that's why it was so very hard

I thought I could save you from the world, 
I didn't realize I couldn't save you from yourself
Your insecurities were just too strong
You were blinded by lust that became a hopeless habit
There was no turning back
You broke my spirit and my belief in love
You gave up on us
How can you love one minute and hate the next?
I will never understand
I believed in you till the very end, perhaps I didn't know you well

The scavenger

Glistening under the noon day sun,

He potters around aimlessly
His charm you just cannot miss, he is on top of his game
Sweeping you off your feet when he is at his best
A well toned body oiled with an excess of alcohol
Makes for good eye candy though not much else

Limited conversation for there's no substance in his brain
A great entertainer but the stories tend to get a bit stale
A cheat, a two timer a disrespectful male whore
You can have a bit of fun but nothing more

If you think he is a good friend, you better think again
He is good at what he does and convinces you he is the real thing
Women are so foolish they would betray their best mate
To play a few seconds in this losers game

He feeds on garbage at the bottom of the food chain
If you fill his stomach he will repay you well
His attention span is limited
The roving eye takes very short breaks
He is a trained hunter, he'll no sooner be back to his game

One true love

This feeling I have, its very real
You came into my life not a moment too soon
And now I'm on a constant high
The first day I met you, I was so confused
Afraid to even move, thinking I would lose you
It took a few weeks to get used to the thought, that you were real

I felt myself smiling each morning
There were butterflies inside me and a song in my heart
A few months down the road when I held you in my arms
My world just stopped
You looked so gorgeous, a miracle, a work of art
I couldn't stop the tears that fell on that february morning
I felt so blessed I couldn't stop staring
I just knew you were going to be, the love of my life

Many moons have passed, you are all grown up
But I still feel my heart go a flutter, when you are near
Your wit, your charm I can't get enough of
Your hugs and kisses are truly the best
I see you each morning and I thank God
For giving me his best gift
To have and to hold forever at last

My prayer for you as you turn seven
Is to be a good man someday
Don't forget your values and the people who love you
Remember life will be scary but for the most part a great journey
If you have your sense of humour it will be quite a good ride

My little man, my son I love you with all my heart
You came into my life and changed it from the very start
My little miracle my blessing from God
You will always be the light of my life.

Isn't it ironic, do you think?

You put me on cloud nine for quite a while
Nothing seemed to matter when I held your hand
No strings attached was a bad idea from the start
We had different views on what that meant
I craved for you but you took things to the extreme
Multi tasked, abused my trust, broke my heart and left me wounded
My world crashed around me, I could bearly speak
I called out to you but you were long gone

It took me awhile to get it together
My shattered heart finally healed
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hate you
You always remained close to my heart
A good friend and confidant
Years went by many miles between us
Our lives have changed our paths running parallel
Never to meet again at any crossroad

You are back in my space, I don't think you ever fully left
But your renewed interest comes a moment too late
My hearts closed up my mind is blank
No feelings left, just nightmares of a past I'd rather forget
Seeing you again brought back good memories, it also brought back the pain
No more drama I say. I can't do this again
You want me now but I don't feel the same
I don't think I ever will.

Moments

I see you with the corner of my eye
You still look the same, nothings changed
Behind those eyes the reality of life has taken its toll
I smile at you, but you just stare
My heart skips a beat and my knees start to shake
I think to myself, will it always feel this way?
Seconds pass, I walk away and my heart clamps up again
I can feel you watching me as I walk on by, but you won't stop me
No, not this time or the next.

We were two souls lost in a parallel universe,
surrounded by reality
We had our moment and now its passed
All we will have are memories and these moments of reality
Yes, the same moments day in day out
No closure, no goodbye
It will always be this way, just you and I
Lost, in the moment of reality.

A toast to new beginnings

The journey through life is not an easy one, the road is paved with many bumps, thumps and pot-holes before it smoothens out for a bit. Each time the road smoothens out we have a new lease of life and toast to new beginnings. I have toasted to new beginnings many times over in my short life span and I am sure I will be toasting to many more as life progresses.

You see the thing is, each time I start a new chapter before it comes an upheaval a purging almost of the old order of things and each time the old order changes, it takes a little bit more out of me. Yes, you could put it down to experience or be content with that age old line 'such is life' but really, should this be the order of things?

I spent the last eight years of my life back in my parents home, don't get me wrong whilst I enjoyed the carefree life I spent there with my son it depressed me a great deal that I had to be confined to the four walls of a room. Having run house and had an independent lifestyle I used to find the four walls closing in on me at times and it used to drive me nuts.

I finally put my foot out the door and took up the challenge of moving out, it was not an easy decision at all. I deliberated over it for months but as I said before after a stormy upheaval I decided this just had to be done. And, so began my newest venture 'playing house'.

The day before I moved in I ran to one of the quaint little churches around the corner from my office, lit candles for my family, all my friends and especially for the journey I was about to embark upon. I think my plea for a successful new beginning was so strong that although I have moved in and more or less settled in the purging of the old order has not ended.

I am not sure if this is going to be 'the big bang' in my universe but HE seems to be more in control of my life than I am at this point. I think the best thing I can do is toast to new beginnings, sit back and enjoy the little moments of joy that keep coming into my life.