This feeling I have, its very real
You came into my life not a moment too soon
And now I'm on a constant high
The first day I met you, I was so confused
Afraid to even move, thinking I would lose you
It took a few weeks to get used to the thought, that you were real
I felt myself smiling each morning
There were butterflies inside me and a song in my heart
A few months down the road when I held you in my arms
My world just stopped
You looked so gorgeous, a miracle, a work of art
I couldn't stop the tears that fell on that february morning
I felt so blessed I couldn't stop staring
I just knew you were going to be, the love of my life
Many moons have passed, you are all grown up
But I still feel my heart go a flutter, when you are near
Your wit, your charm I can't get enough of
Your hugs and kisses are truly the best
I see you each morning and I thank God
For giving me his best gift
To have and to hold forever at last
My prayer for you as you turn seven
Is to be a good man someday
Don't forget your values and the people who love you
Remember life will be scary but for the most part a great journey
If you have your sense of humour it will be quite a good ride
My little man, my son I love you with all my heart
You came into my life and changed it from the very start
My little miracle my blessing from God
You will always be the light of my life.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Isn't it ironic, do you think?
You put me on cloud nine for quite a while
Nothing seemed to matter when I held your hand
No strings attached was a bad idea from the start
We had different views on what that meant
I craved for you but you took things to the extreme
Multi tasked, abused my trust, broke my heart and left me wounded
My world crashed around me, I could bearly speak
I called out to you but you were long gone
It took me awhile to get it together
My shattered heart finally healed
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hate you
You always remained close to my heart
A good friend and confidant
Years went by many miles between us
Our lives have changed our paths running parallel
Never to meet again at any crossroad
You are back in my space, I don't think you ever fully left
But your renewed interest comes a moment too late
My hearts closed up my mind is blank
No feelings left, just nightmares of a past I'd rather forget
Seeing you again brought back good memories, it also brought back the pain
No more drama I say. I can't do this again
You want me now but I don't feel the same
I don't think I ever will.
Nothing seemed to matter when I held your hand
No strings attached was a bad idea from the start
We had different views on what that meant
I craved for you but you took things to the extreme
Multi tasked, abused my trust, broke my heart and left me wounded
My world crashed around me, I could bearly speak
I called out to you but you were long gone
It took me awhile to get it together
My shattered heart finally healed
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hate you
You always remained close to my heart
A good friend and confidant
Years went by many miles between us
Our lives have changed our paths running parallel
Never to meet again at any crossroad
You are back in my space, I don't think you ever fully left
But your renewed interest comes a moment too late
My hearts closed up my mind is blank
No feelings left, just nightmares of a past I'd rather forget
Seeing you again brought back good memories, it also brought back the pain
No more drama I say. I can't do this again
You want me now but I don't feel the same
I don't think I ever will.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Moments
I see you with the corner of my eye
You still look the same, nothings changed
Behind those eyes the reality of life has taken its toll
I smile at you, but you just stare
My heart skips a beat and my knees start to shake
I think to myself, will it always feel this way?
Seconds pass, I walk away and my heart clamps up again
I can feel you watching me as I walk on by, but you won't stop me
No, not this time or the next.
We were two souls lost in a parallel universe,
surrounded by reality
We had our moment and now its passed
All we will have are memories and these moments of reality
Yes, the same moments day in day out
No closure, no goodbye
It will always be this way, just you and I
Lost, in the moment of reality.
You still look the same, nothings changed
Behind those eyes the reality of life has taken its toll
I smile at you, but you just stare
My heart skips a beat and my knees start to shake
I think to myself, will it always feel this way?
Seconds pass, I walk away and my heart clamps up again
I can feel you watching me as I walk on by, but you won't stop me
No, not this time or the next.
We were two souls lost in a parallel universe,
surrounded by reality
We had our moment and now its passed
All we will have are memories and these moments of reality
Yes, the same moments day in day out
No closure, no goodbye
It will always be this way, just you and I
Lost, in the moment of reality.
Monday, October 11, 2010
A toast to new beginnings
The journey through life is not an easy one, the road is paved with many bumps, thumps and pot-holes before it smoothens out for a bit. Each time the road smoothens out we have a new lease of life and toast to new beginnings. I have toasted to new beginnings many times over in my short life span and I am sure I will be toasting to many more as life progresses.
You see the thing is, each time I start a new chapter before it comes an upheaval a purging almost of the old order of things and each time the old order changes, it takes a little bit more out of me. Yes, you could put it down to experience or be content with that age old line 'such is life' but really, should this be the order of things?
I spent the last eight years of my life back in my parents home, don't get me wrong whilst I enjoyed the carefree life I spent there with my son it depressed me a great deal that I had to be confined to the four walls of a room. Having run house and had an independent lifestyle I used to find the four walls closing in on me at times and it used to drive me nuts.
I finally put my foot out the door and took up the challenge of moving out, it was not an easy decision at all. I deliberated over it for months but as I said before after a stormy upheaval I decided this just had to be done. And, so began my newest venture 'playing house'.
The day before I moved in I ran to one of the quaint little churches around the corner from my office, lit candles for my family, all my friends and especially for the journey I was about to embark upon. I think my plea for a successful new beginning was so strong that although I have moved in and more or less settled in the purging of the old order has not ended.
I am not sure if this is going to be 'the big bang' in my universe but HE seems to be more in control of my life than I am at this point. I think the best thing I can do is toast to new beginnings, sit back and enjoy the little moments of joy that keep coming into my life.
You see the thing is, each time I start a new chapter before it comes an upheaval a purging almost of the old order of things and each time the old order changes, it takes a little bit more out of me. Yes, you could put it down to experience or be content with that age old line 'such is life' but really, should this be the order of things?
I spent the last eight years of my life back in my parents home, don't get me wrong whilst I enjoyed the carefree life I spent there with my son it depressed me a great deal that I had to be confined to the four walls of a room. Having run house and had an independent lifestyle I used to find the four walls closing in on me at times and it used to drive me nuts.
I finally put my foot out the door and took up the challenge of moving out, it was not an easy decision at all. I deliberated over it for months but as I said before after a stormy upheaval I decided this just had to be done. And, so began my newest venture 'playing house'.
The day before I moved in I ran to one of the quaint little churches around the corner from my office, lit candles for my family, all my friends and especially for the journey I was about to embark upon. I think my plea for a successful new beginning was so strong that although I have moved in and more or less settled in the purging of the old order has not ended.
I am not sure if this is going to be 'the big bang' in my universe but HE seems to be more in control of my life than I am at this point. I think the best thing I can do is toast to new beginnings, sit back and enjoy the little moments of joy that keep coming into my life.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Oh! September
A beautiful month no doubt, but it represents for me a darker milestone. For years I have dreaded the arrival of September, some years are better than the rest and it creeps in and leaves without any significant shift in my system, but some years it crashes in with a great big THUD! Shakes every inch of my foundation, rips me up from deep inside and leaves me gutted.
Time passes, people come in and out of our lives and the one thing we are left with are the memories, either good or bad. What's amazing is that no matter how many good memories you have its the bad ones, the sad ones that are top of mind... September 2010, just brought in every bad memory I had hidden deep inside - like an un-stoppable wave it just swept over me and before I knew it I was drowning.
While I was drowning the one thing I kept thinking of is how much longer really, will I allow myself to relive all this? cry the tears? beat myself up over and over again? feel like my insides have been ripped out? how much longer? I had no answer - hello in there??? nothing, nothing at all... not a single sound that makes any sense.
If I could just scream I would, stand on top of some mountain and yell my gutts out... I'M SORRY! I MADE ONE LOUSY MISTAKE.... I LOVED WITHOUT THINKING.... WITHOUT LIMITS... I GAVE MY ALL... DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING FOR IT FOREVER!
Shouldn't there be an expiry date for pain?
Oh! September.... won't you be kinder to me.
Time passes, people come in and out of our lives and the one thing we are left with are the memories, either good or bad. What's amazing is that no matter how many good memories you have its the bad ones, the sad ones that are top of mind... September 2010, just brought in every bad memory I had hidden deep inside - like an un-stoppable wave it just swept over me and before I knew it I was drowning.
While I was drowning the one thing I kept thinking of is how much longer really, will I allow myself to relive all this? cry the tears? beat myself up over and over again? feel like my insides have been ripped out? how much longer? I had no answer - hello in there??? nothing, nothing at all... not a single sound that makes any sense.
If I could just scream I would, stand on top of some mountain and yell my gutts out... I'M SORRY! I MADE ONE LOUSY MISTAKE.... I LOVED WITHOUT THINKING.... WITHOUT LIMITS... I GAVE MY ALL... DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING FOR IT FOREVER!
Shouldn't there be an expiry date for pain?
Oh! September.... won't you be kinder to me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The power of positive thinking
Yes, its a cliche'd statement however, I felt the need to write something about this after the experience I have had over the past few months with someone very special in my life.
A few years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was a a very traumatic revelation not only for her but also for the rest of the family. Those initial few days from diagnosis to action seemed surreal - I was in my early 20's and couldn't quite fathom or grasp what was happening. I saw my mum morphing from the happy go lucky person into a very lost and depressed person. Having limited access to the www we really had no clue what all this meant, we followed the motions laid out for us by the doctors and the radiologists and that was that. In my country there is nothing called counselling for these sorts of things, the patient so to speak is left to basically deal with it as best they can.
It took her years to heal emotionally as well as physically.
After 13 years, last october we had the angel of doom give us the news that there was a tumour recurrence, this time, thankfully we had the www to counter check everything to make sure we knew what was going on every step of the way and naturally we were all older and wiser and readier if thats what you call it, to deal with the next steps and do what we had to do. Its taken 9 months with chemo and radiation to get to a point where the doctor finally says we are over the worst and the cancer has been cleared.... thank God.
This time around though there was one major difference from years ago and that was MUM. I was amazed to see just how strong she was emotionally. At times when the stress of everything was overwhelming, and well meaning family and friends actually questioned me or my brother if we were doing the right thing, she stood un-waivered, assuring us both that we were doing the right thing (my reaction was just to retort and say 'yeah i'm gonna do something that's gonna kill her off') I cant imagine going through most of what she had too in the past few months, at many points in the process I could feel myself giving up almost, but not MUM she stood firm in her belief that she was going to be ok. She kept that smile on her face and stood up strongly against every thing that came in front of her. The perils of Chemotherapy, the reaction to the chemo overdose and the daily radiation that took its toll nothing could wipe that smile off her face.
Kudos to you MA, you are a testament to your faith, and a strength to us all - I am more in awe of you today than I have been of anyone in my life, you have shown me that all you need to have in your life is the faith to get you through each day. May you grow stronger in your belief and be a strength to every cancer patient who needs to win the battle over this wretched disease.
We love you.
A few years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was a a very traumatic revelation not only for her but also for the rest of the family. Those initial few days from diagnosis to action seemed surreal - I was in my early 20's and couldn't quite fathom or grasp what was happening. I saw my mum morphing from the happy go lucky person into a very lost and depressed person. Having limited access to the www we really had no clue what all this meant, we followed the motions laid out for us by the doctors and the radiologists and that was that. In my country there is nothing called counselling for these sorts of things, the patient so to speak is left to basically deal with it as best they can.
It took her years to heal emotionally as well as physically.
After 13 years, last october we had the angel of doom give us the news that there was a tumour recurrence, this time, thankfully we had the www to counter check everything to make sure we knew what was going on every step of the way and naturally we were all older and wiser and readier if thats what you call it, to deal with the next steps and do what we had to do. Its taken 9 months with chemo and radiation to get to a point where the doctor finally says we are over the worst and the cancer has been cleared.... thank God.
This time around though there was one major difference from years ago and that was MUM. I was amazed to see just how strong she was emotionally. At times when the stress of everything was overwhelming, and well meaning family and friends actually questioned me or my brother if we were doing the right thing, she stood un-waivered, assuring us both that we were doing the right thing (my reaction was just to retort and say 'yeah i'm gonna do something that's gonna kill her off') I cant imagine going through most of what she had too in the past few months, at many points in the process I could feel myself giving up almost, but not MUM she stood firm in her belief that she was going to be ok. She kept that smile on her face and stood up strongly against every thing that came in front of her. The perils of Chemotherapy, the reaction to the chemo overdose and the daily radiation that took its toll nothing could wipe that smile off her face.
Kudos to you MA, you are a testament to your faith, and a strength to us all - I am more in awe of you today than I have been of anyone in my life, you have shown me that all you need to have in your life is the faith to get you through each day. May you grow stronger in your belief and be a strength to every cancer patient who needs to win the battle over this wretched disease.
We love you.
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