I see you with the corner of my eye
You still look the same, nothings changed
Behind those eyes the reality of life has taken its toll
I smile at you, but you just stare
My heart skips a beat and my knees start to shake
I think to myself, will it always feel this way?
Seconds pass, I walk away and my heart clamps up again
I can feel you watching me as I walk on by, but you won't stop me
No, not this time or the next.
We were two souls lost in a parallel universe,
surrounded by reality
We had our moment and now its passed
All we will have are memories and these moments of reality
Yes, the same moments day in day out
No closure, no goodbye
It will always be this way, just you and I
Lost, in the moment of reality.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Monday, October 11, 2010
A toast to new beginnings
The journey through life is not an easy one, the road is paved with many bumps, thumps and pot-holes before it smoothens out for a bit. Each time the road smoothens out we have a new lease of life and toast to new beginnings. I have toasted to new beginnings many times over in my short life span and I am sure I will be toasting to many more as life progresses.
You see the thing is, each time I start a new chapter before it comes an upheaval a purging almost of the old order of things and each time the old order changes, it takes a little bit more out of me. Yes, you could put it down to experience or be content with that age old line 'such is life' but really, should this be the order of things?
I spent the last eight years of my life back in my parents home, don't get me wrong whilst I enjoyed the carefree life I spent there with my son it depressed me a great deal that I had to be confined to the four walls of a room. Having run house and had an independent lifestyle I used to find the four walls closing in on me at times and it used to drive me nuts.
I finally put my foot out the door and took up the challenge of moving out, it was not an easy decision at all. I deliberated over it for months but as I said before after a stormy upheaval I decided this just had to be done. And, so began my newest venture 'playing house'.
The day before I moved in I ran to one of the quaint little churches around the corner from my office, lit candles for my family, all my friends and especially for the journey I was about to embark upon. I think my plea for a successful new beginning was so strong that although I have moved in and more or less settled in the purging of the old order has not ended.
I am not sure if this is going to be 'the big bang' in my universe but HE seems to be more in control of my life than I am at this point. I think the best thing I can do is toast to new beginnings, sit back and enjoy the little moments of joy that keep coming into my life.
You see the thing is, each time I start a new chapter before it comes an upheaval a purging almost of the old order of things and each time the old order changes, it takes a little bit more out of me. Yes, you could put it down to experience or be content with that age old line 'such is life' but really, should this be the order of things?
I spent the last eight years of my life back in my parents home, don't get me wrong whilst I enjoyed the carefree life I spent there with my son it depressed me a great deal that I had to be confined to the four walls of a room. Having run house and had an independent lifestyle I used to find the four walls closing in on me at times and it used to drive me nuts.
I finally put my foot out the door and took up the challenge of moving out, it was not an easy decision at all. I deliberated over it for months but as I said before after a stormy upheaval I decided this just had to be done. And, so began my newest venture 'playing house'.
The day before I moved in I ran to one of the quaint little churches around the corner from my office, lit candles for my family, all my friends and especially for the journey I was about to embark upon. I think my plea for a successful new beginning was so strong that although I have moved in and more or less settled in the purging of the old order has not ended.
I am not sure if this is going to be 'the big bang' in my universe but HE seems to be more in control of my life than I am at this point. I think the best thing I can do is toast to new beginnings, sit back and enjoy the little moments of joy that keep coming into my life.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Oh! September
A beautiful month no doubt, but it represents for me a darker milestone. For years I have dreaded the arrival of September, some years are better than the rest and it creeps in and leaves without any significant shift in my system, but some years it crashes in with a great big THUD! Shakes every inch of my foundation, rips me up from deep inside and leaves me gutted.
Time passes, people come in and out of our lives and the one thing we are left with are the memories, either good or bad. What's amazing is that no matter how many good memories you have its the bad ones, the sad ones that are top of mind... September 2010, just brought in every bad memory I had hidden deep inside - like an un-stoppable wave it just swept over me and before I knew it I was drowning.
While I was drowning the one thing I kept thinking of is how much longer really, will I allow myself to relive all this? cry the tears? beat myself up over and over again? feel like my insides have been ripped out? how much longer? I had no answer - hello in there??? nothing, nothing at all... not a single sound that makes any sense.
If I could just scream I would, stand on top of some mountain and yell my gutts out... I'M SORRY! I MADE ONE LOUSY MISTAKE.... I LOVED WITHOUT THINKING.... WITHOUT LIMITS... I GAVE MY ALL... DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING FOR IT FOREVER!
Shouldn't there be an expiry date for pain?
Oh! September.... won't you be kinder to me.
Time passes, people come in and out of our lives and the one thing we are left with are the memories, either good or bad. What's amazing is that no matter how many good memories you have its the bad ones, the sad ones that are top of mind... September 2010, just brought in every bad memory I had hidden deep inside - like an un-stoppable wave it just swept over me and before I knew it I was drowning.
While I was drowning the one thing I kept thinking of is how much longer really, will I allow myself to relive all this? cry the tears? beat myself up over and over again? feel like my insides have been ripped out? how much longer? I had no answer - hello in there??? nothing, nothing at all... not a single sound that makes any sense.
If I could just scream I would, stand on top of some mountain and yell my gutts out... I'M SORRY! I MADE ONE LOUSY MISTAKE.... I LOVED WITHOUT THINKING.... WITHOUT LIMITS... I GAVE MY ALL... DO I HAVE TO KEEP PAYING FOR IT FOREVER!
Shouldn't there be an expiry date for pain?
Oh! September.... won't you be kinder to me.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
The power of positive thinking
Yes, its a cliche'd statement however, I felt the need to write something about this after the experience I have had over the past few months with someone very special in my life.
A few years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was a a very traumatic revelation not only for her but also for the rest of the family. Those initial few days from diagnosis to action seemed surreal - I was in my early 20's and couldn't quite fathom or grasp what was happening. I saw my mum morphing from the happy go lucky person into a very lost and depressed person. Having limited access to the www we really had no clue what all this meant, we followed the motions laid out for us by the doctors and the radiologists and that was that. In my country there is nothing called counselling for these sorts of things, the patient so to speak is left to basically deal with it as best they can.
It took her years to heal emotionally as well as physically.
After 13 years, last october we had the angel of doom give us the news that there was a tumour recurrence, this time, thankfully we had the www to counter check everything to make sure we knew what was going on every step of the way and naturally we were all older and wiser and readier if thats what you call it, to deal with the next steps and do what we had to do. Its taken 9 months with chemo and radiation to get to a point where the doctor finally says we are over the worst and the cancer has been cleared.... thank God.
This time around though there was one major difference from years ago and that was MUM. I was amazed to see just how strong she was emotionally. At times when the stress of everything was overwhelming, and well meaning family and friends actually questioned me or my brother if we were doing the right thing, she stood un-waivered, assuring us both that we were doing the right thing (my reaction was just to retort and say 'yeah i'm gonna do something that's gonna kill her off') I cant imagine going through most of what she had too in the past few months, at many points in the process I could feel myself giving up almost, but not MUM she stood firm in her belief that she was going to be ok. She kept that smile on her face and stood up strongly against every thing that came in front of her. The perils of Chemotherapy, the reaction to the chemo overdose and the daily radiation that took its toll nothing could wipe that smile off her face.
Kudos to you MA, you are a testament to your faith, and a strength to us all - I am more in awe of you today than I have been of anyone in my life, you have shown me that all you need to have in your life is the faith to get you through each day. May you grow stronger in your belief and be a strength to every cancer patient who needs to win the battle over this wretched disease.
We love you.
A few years ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, it was a a very traumatic revelation not only for her but also for the rest of the family. Those initial few days from diagnosis to action seemed surreal - I was in my early 20's and couldn't quite fathom or grasp what was happening. I saw my mum morphing from the happy go lucky person into a very lost and depressed person. Having limited access to the www we really had no clue what all this meant, we followed the motions laid out for us by the doctors and the radiologists and that was that. In my country there is nothing called counselling for these sorts of things, the patient so to speak is left to basically deal with it as best they can.
It took her years to heal emotionally as well as physically.
After 13 years, last october we had the angel of doom give us the news that there was a tumour recurrence, this time, thankfully we had the www to counter check everything to make sure we knew what was going on every step of the way and naturally we were all older and wiser and readier if thats what you call it, to deal with the next steps and do what we had to do. Its taken 9 months with chemo and radiation to get to a point where the doctor finally says we are over the worst and the cancer has been cleared.... thank God.
This time around though there was one major difference from years ago and that was MUM. I was amazed to see just how strong she was emotionally. At times when the stress of everything was overwhelming, and well meaning family and friends actually questioned me or my brother if we were doing the right thing, she stood un-waivered, assuring us both that we were doing the right thing (my reaction was just to retort and say 'yeah i'm gonna do something that's gonna kill her off') I cant imagine going through most of what she had too in the past few months, at many points in the process I could feel myself giving up almost, but not MUM she stood firm in her belief that she was going to be ok. She kept that smile on her face and stood up strongly against every thing that came in front of her. The perils of Chemotherapy, the reaction to the chemo overdose and the daily radiation that took its toll nothing could wipe that smile off her face.
Kudos to you MA, you are a testament to your faith, and a strength to us all - I am more in awe of you today than I have been of anyone in my life, you have shown me that all you need to have in your life is the faith to get you through each day. May you grow stronger in your belief and be a strength to every cancer patient who needs to win the battle over this wretched disease.
We love you.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Bad boys, bad boys whatcha gonna do.....whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
This was possibly one of them reggae tracks that got quite a bit of airplay a few years ago - it was playing in my head over and over again while I was tripping over the weekend on too much sun and surf. I felt I had to do justice to the tune so here I am writing a spheal on 'bad boys'
Aw... come on we have all met our fill of bad boys haven't we? you see them around driving their flashy wheels, oozing with attitude, all pumped up hot bods and trouble tattooed on their foreheads??? yes, yes thats the one who just set your heart fluttering and sent your imagination into a whirlwind.
So here's the thing, some of us have an uncanny knack of attracting trouble and when we do sometimes we don't have a clue how to deal with it. Take the advice of a permanent trouble magnet, enjoy the flutter in the heart but make sure its only a flutter and nothing more, let your imagination explore every bit of that whirlwind but please don't get caught up in the aftermath of it. There is nothing like having some happy time with the bad boys provided you hit the breaks when you have too and don't skid outta control.
If you’ve got it bad for a bad boy, here are a few pointers I fell upon by a love coach :) read on, this could be enlightening:
They say there are really only two types of men. Do tell!
Most men fall into one of two categories, Marrying Men and Hardened Bachelors, aka Bad Boys. In my private practice as a love coach, many women in relationship trouble often don’t know how to tell the difference between the two, and that’s the problem. They fail to see the telltale signs of a man who’s really relationship material, or a man who’s a Bad Boy.
The signs of a Marrying Man
It’s not particularly tough to spot this type of guy. He says things like, “I’m looking to get married,” with the ease of a man saying, “My company is looking for a receptionist.” He brings up the subject of marriage, family and commitment on his own, unflinchingly, and without prodding. When dating, he asks questions like, “What was your last relationship like?” to understand whether you qualify as a marriage-minded woman. Marrying Men like being in relationships. In fact, they need them. Now, “need” isn’t a dirty word when it comes to men in relationships, because in truth, men only marry the women they need. Bad Boys just keep burning through women and then replace them with different models… who sometimes are models!
So how would you define and describe a Bad Boy?
He can date in every age range and shag whomever he wants because he’s charismatic and handsome. He is also a master at making women feel really, really special because he loves them. These men aren’t monogamous—they don’t have to be! They have so many opportunities to cheat, they figure what’s a bon-bon or two when you’ve been offered the whole darn box?
Can single women easily identify a Bad Boy? Sometimes it’s not that easy!
They often make wisecracks about how “unhappy” all of their married friends are. Bad Boys often run in tight little groups comprised of other sexy, equally unavailable males. Their long-term primary relationships are often with each other, but they are available to women for sex; fun, short-term romance; long-term, non-exclusive sexual arrangements; or marriages made solely for their convenience (which will likely be riddled with affairs). Beneath it all, though, most Bad Boys are still traumatized from a twisted relationship deep in their past—with mommy or an ex.
Is it ever worth it to date a Bad Boy?
Bad Boys are perfect playmates for women who aren’t looking for a serious relationship, like divorced women who don’t want to get remarried and are just ready for excitement and fun. In fact, mature women are usually the only suitable partners for bad boys. They’re wise enough to understand the value of what he has to offer without making the mistake of falling in love with him. The thing to remember about these guys is that you will never come first; he’s totally self-involved, so keep your expectations realistic. Be in it for fun and fun only, and try not to expect more, because a Bad Boy will not be able to give it to you. Resist the temptation to think you’re different, that you can change him because you can’t, no matter how fantastic you are. It really is not you, it’s him.
Can a woman ever win over a Bad Boy?
Bad Boys all have one thing in common: a need for “space.” His rigid boundaries ensure that you’ll remain far too distant for real intimacy to occur. As soon as he feels he’s being emotionally hemmed in, he’ll panic. This is one reason why these men prefer dating very young women; they know that most young girls aren’t ready for marriage and won’t pressure him much. If in the extremely rare instance when a Bad Boy actually lets his guard down long enough to fall in love, know that he’ll be virtually tool-free when it comes to working out a real relationship. He’s often immature, petty, prone to jealousy, and then some! Frankly, in most cases, you’ll know that the relationship needs to end. It has to be you and you alone realizing this; it won’t come from all of your friends and family members continually reminding you how wrong he is for you. But when you figure it out and get over him, it’s the kind of experience that teaches you a lot of good lessons!
Well, there you have it ladies you cant tame a bad boy but you can sure as hell have one heck of a ride - make sure you enjoy every minute of it!
Aw... come on we have all met our fill of bad boys haven't we? you see them around driving their flashy wheels, oozing with attitude, all pumped up hot bods and trouble tattooed on their foreheads??? yes, yes thats the one who just set your heart fluttering and sent your imagination into a whirlwind.
So here's the thing, some of us have an uncanny knack of attracting trouble and when we do sometimes we don't have a clue how to deal with it. Take the advice of a permanent trouble magnet, enjoy the flutter in the heart but make sure its only a flutter and nothing more, let your imagination explore every bit of that whirlwind but please don't get caught up in the aftermath of it. There is nothing like having some happy time with the bad boys provided you hit the breaks when you have too and don't skid outta control.
If you’ve got it bad for a bad boy, here are a few pointers I fell upon by a love coach :) read on, this could be enlightening:
They say there are really only two types of men. Do tell!
Most men fall into one of two categories, Marrying Men and Hardened Bachelors, aka Bad Boys. In my private practice as a love coach, many women in relationship trouble often don’t know how to tell the difference between the two, and that’s the problem. They fail to see the telltale signs of a man who’s really relationship material, or a man who’s a Bad Boy.
The signs of a Marrying Man
It’s not particularly tough to spot this type of guy. He says things like, “I’m looking to get married,” with the ease of a man saying, “My company is looking for a receptionist.” He brings up the subject of marriage, family and commitment on his own, unflinchingly, and without prodding. When dating, he asks questions like, “What was your last relationship like?” to understand whether you qualify as a marriage-minded woman. Marrying Men like being in relationships. In fact, they need them. Now, “need” isn’t a dirty word when it comes to men in relationships, because in truth, men only marry the women they need. Bad Boys just keep burning through women and then replace them with different models… who sometimes are models!
So how would you define and describe a Bad Boy?
He can date in every age range and shag whomever he wants because he’s charismatic and handsome. He is also a master at making women feel really, really special because he loves them. These men aren’t monogamous—they don’t have to be! They have so many opportunities to cheat, they figure what’s a bon-bon or two when you’ve been offered the whole darn box?
Can single women easily identify a Bad Boy? Sometimes it’s not that easy!
They often make wisecracks about how “unhappy” all of their married friends are. Bad Boys often run in tight little groups comprised of other sexy, equally unavailable males. Their long-term primary relationships are often with each other, but they are available to women for sex; fun, short-term romance; long-term, non-exclusive sexual arrangements; or marriages made solely for their convenience (which will likely be riddled with affairs). Beneath it all, though, most Bad Boys are still traumatized from a twisted relationship deep in their past—with mommy or an ex.
Is it ever worth it to date a Bad Boy?
Bad Boys are perfect playmates for women who aren’t looking for a serious relationship, like divorced women who don’t want to get remarried and are just ready for excitement and fun. In fact, mature women are usually the only suitable partners for bad boys. They’re wise enough to understand the value of what he has to offer without making the mistake of falling in love with him. The thing to remember about these guys is that you will never come first; he’s totally self-involved, so keep your expectations realistic. Be in it for fun and fun only, and try not to expect more, because a Bad Boy will not be able to give it to you. Resist the temptation to think you’re different, that you can change him because you can’t, no matter how fantastic you are. It really is not you, it’s him.
Can a woman ever win over a Bad Boy?
Bad Boys all have one thing in common: a need for “space.” His rigid boundaries ensure that you’ll remain far too distant for real intimacy to occur. As soon as he feels he’s being emotionally hemmed in, he’ll panic. This is one reason why these men prefer dating very young women; they know that most young girls aren’t ready for marriage and won’t pressure him much. If in the extremely rare instance when a Bad Boy actually lets his guard down long enough to fall in love, know that he’ll be virtually tool-free when it comes to working out a real relationship. He’s often immature, petty, prone to jealousy, and then some! Frankly, in most cases, you’ll know that the relationship needs to end. It has to be you and you alone realizing this; it won’t come from all of your friends and family members continually reminding you how wrong he is for you. But when you figure it out and get over him, it’s the kind of experience that teaches you a lot of good lessons!
Well, there you have it ladies you cant tame a bad boy but you can sure as hell have one heck of a ride - make sure you enjoy every minute of it!
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