Life caught us unawares

Our hearts are fragile yearning to be loved
An emotion too scary to think about
Every minute spent together gives peace within
A sense of security, not felt before
A second chance at life? love?
Taking one day at a time
No race to the finish line
The battered hearts laid open, exposed

We were like the opposite ends of a pole
So very different from each other
You, all black and white, Me, all shades of grey
You brought a sense of calm into my life
I added a bit of madness to yours
We started out on this journey quite by chance
No expectations no ground rules no well thought out plans


Life had caught us both unawares
Not long before things fell apart
Too different, too much effort
We fell through the cracks, unscathed
A little more bruised, scared
Facing each day carefully
Not knowing what to expect
Maybe and end? perhaps

Monkey see, Monkey do.

I thought of writing this note having being exposed to some very ‘bratty kids’ whilst we were on Vesak break. You know that old mantra “attitudes are better caught then taught” I feel this is 100 percent correct. Our kids are watching and copying everything we do, even stuff we may not be aware of. As parents we have the greatest influence over our child’s attitude (aka character) than anything or anyone else. We should truly introspect and find out which of our qualities are mirrored in our kids.

I am a single parent and I find that society today loves to lay blame on people like me in similar situations for bringing up kids with bad temperaments, hang-ups or bad attitudes. Whilst there may be instances where this may hold true, this is the exception and not the rule. I saw this for myself this weekend and to be honest I was very happy to note that my son had none of the hang-ups I witnessed with the so-called ‘normal, holistic families’ that were in the rooms next door to us.

I am a firm believer that kids need space and not too much of a strict regime to grow and cultivate their own unique personality or temperament. But it is our job as a parent to stop our kid from being selfish, narrow-minded, noncompliant, and have other bad attitudes that lead to weak character and poor moral intelligence.

If we walk around with our noses up in the air, thinking we are too good for the world or passing judgment on fellow human beings and showing any form of disrespect to them for being less fortunate than we are, then my darling you will soon find junior doing and saying the same things. And let me tell you there is nothing worse than a kid with a bad attitude, before long he/she will find them selves, alienated and alone.

It’s never too late to change bad attitudes. Yes, it may get harder as kids get older and more set in their ways, but that is no excuse. Plenty of older kids make big changes in their attitudes, and yours will be no exception. You have the greatest influence over your child’s attitude (aka character!) than anything or anyone else. So take a closer look at your self, are you passing off a bad attitude to your kids?

If you are a parent consider yourself blessed, not many have the opportunity to be where we are, so please use your powers wisely to develop a younger generation who is more tolerant of fellow human beings.

I would like to leave you with this quote from an article I recently read on the subject of kids with bad attitudes:

“Kids with bad attitude come in all sizes, both genders, all ages, and all cultures. They can be rich or poor; reside in rural, urban, or suburban areas; attend private or public school; have multiple siblings or be only children; live with a single parent or with both. The diversity of their lives seems to have little bearing on whether they acquire the dreaded ailment, although there is one factor that clearly is the greatest predictor for getting the disease: kids were allowed to develop the bad attitude without opposition, and because there was no resistance or reaction, these bad attitudes flourished and grew” - Courtesy Family Education: 

Re-born and Renewed

For years I struggled with insecurities
The repercussions of making wrong choices
It didn't matter much when I was soaring above the rest
But once my wings were clipped it was a whole different story
My thoughts were all a jumbled mess
Constantly looking for happiness in a bottle
Living for the day, hoping for a better tomorrow

I didn't realize I was on a head on collision with disaster
Not just once but over and over again
I managed to find myself in the spotlight of trouble
It was almost like I had become someone else
While the real me was hiding away in the shadows

Lost in a surreal world, stuck in a time warp
Try as I might I just couldn't pull my self out
Worn out and frustrated I called out to you
screaming 'I have had enough, lord get me out of this shit'
Within a few days my entire world changed
Old familiar bond restored, superficial bonds blown to smithereens
I couldn't grasp what was happening, so many changes 
I felt a panic like I was losing control 
But I chose not to fight it

For once in my life I stood on the side lines and watched 
Something you had done for many years
I was coming back, slowly but steadily back to my lost self
I hadn't been me in so long and it felt so good
Just soaking up the reality I took a deep breath
I thanked God for finally putting me back on track
I finally found peace and a reason to smile from within
A sensation that had eluded me for almost an eternity

Broken Bonds

We've laughed out loud and cried many tears 

Seen each other through many milestones in life

Stood by one another’s side firmly against the world

Understood our shared feelings well, or so I thought

For years we bonded making the most of every moment

Celebrated in our collective successes, at times over did it

We didn't have a care in the world as long as we were together

Our lives taking us in different directions but ending up close enough

We were the envy of most, the focal point of discussion for the idle

Nothing ever deterred us from being there for each other

We fought the cause of friendship the ties getting stronger each day

Until one day when all the bonds went to pieces

I thought our friendship could weather any storm

I never imagined things would turn out this way

Lust, betrayal, down right dis-respect fills the void of an empty friendship

We allowed the erosion to set in and destroy us

To disintegrate so fast the ties had to be lose

Each time I had your back it couldn't have meant much

Did I pledge allegiance to something that was not there to begin with?

Years into a friendship you never expect to be blind-sided

Yes, it hurt to figure things out and walk away

To realise that nothing was sacred within the bonds of friendship

As difficult as it was I now understand, this bond was not made to last

Lone-star

I was drawn to you the moment I saw you
You had a way about you that still makes me smile
A little bit of naughty mixed with nice
So gentle, so calm so set in your ways
I felt instantly secure when you were near, its amazing
Through the years we have remained connected
Seen each other through many ups and downs
Not in each others face too often just a safe distance away
Can't believe that we have managed to stay this way



Sometimes when I am alone staring into the night sky 
The stillness of the dark night and that one lone star 
Reminds me so much of you
You make your way through life alone
So rooted in your ways 
Ambitious, determined to get ahead
Your life so well mapped out
Each milestone achieved on time
You work like clock work
Managing every visible aspect of life so well

If only you would break those walls of self sufficiency
The ones you have so carefully built over the years
You don't need to be so cold, its ok to feel
Understand that not everyone is out to hurt you
Many times I have seen you at that emotional crossroad
A little step closer and you would cross that boundary
But you always beat a hasty retreat
Leaving me confused and scared as you are

We don't talk for months on end
Then suddenly its like a rush for attention
I don't understand what it is we share
Its dysfunctional and bizarre
I'd rather not try to figure this out
I've learnt to accepted the limits and enjoy the moments 
I feel it in my bones that you will be around for awhile
Here within my space, but emotionally a little out of reach

I try to be devoid of emotion, I don't want to scare you away
I'm just glad you are here in your own special way
At times I want to reach out to you
But then I back away 
Thus far and no further
Why spoil what we have and end up bitter
This is who you are, it took me a while to understand you 
The lone-star radiating light mixed with the warning signs to keep away

The pain of separation

I reached for you but the sheets were cold, the bed empty

I turned around my eyes burning with tears

Clutched my pillow tight , cried myself to sleep

I must have done this every night for so long

It was an effort to wake up each morning

Dragging myself out of bed standing up on shaky feet

My spirit was broken I looked such a mess

For the longest time I couldn’t think straight

I drifted from day to day aimlessly

My dreams had shattered before my eyes

The walls of protection had come crashing down

I was vulnerable and totally exposed

Replaying the sequences and scenes over and over

Asking myself the questions I dared not ask out loud

Working myself into a frenzy and panic

How do I go on?

Sometimes I sit in quiet solitude just staring out to sea

I feel the waves beckoning me and I start to walk in

Nothing else around me seems to matter anymore

Until someone runs up and shakes me into reality

I have no tears left no strength to move

My heart aches my head feels like a rock

Friends talk to me, I listen but don’t really hear a sound

All the while just thinking, where did I go wrong?

I turn to God in my desperation, the only sanity I seem to have

I look for answers in all the wrong places take all the wrong turns

I beat myself up, my confidence shattered

I have become a stranger, someone even I hardly recognize

I am angry, confused, feeling hurt and betrayed

Every milestone reminding me it was all a lie

More angry at myself for feeling this way

The bitter pill of separation seems to have gotten the best of me

Jekyll and Hyde

When I met you I was young and naive
You had that twinkle in your eye, Oh! I was so mesmerised
We chatted for hours, swapped stories and laughed till morning
I took in every word, cherished every moment of that day
Yes, It was a little past 3am when I fell hopelessly in love with you

You made me smile, you wiped away my tears
You were my rock, a little shaky but firm enough to withstand the storms
Every moment spent with you was an adventure
Nothing ever bordered on boredom, life was one big party
You accepted me for who I was, no rules, no bullshit 
I felt so free yes, you could say I was addicted

Years went by, we weathered many storms
Oppositions were aplenty but, I thought we grew strong
I was in it for keeps I thought you were too
Never believed a word I heard 
How could I? You lived there right inside me
A ticking time bomb waiting to explode

I woke up one morning to the harsh reality that you were gone
In your place was this man I hardly recognised
Little did I realise how destructive you were
Heartless to the core, a real Jekyll and Hyde
Before I knew it you ripped out my heart
Sent it splattering to the floor in a million pieces
You broke me down to nothingness, until I could stand no more

My world crashed around me, my home fell apart
The family I knew was no more
Sadness and depression engulfed me but, you moved on
Your head held high your ego full on
I loved you from the very depths of my being
I had promised to never let anyone hurt you ever again
I guess that's why it was so very hard

I thought I could save you from the world, 
I didn't realize I couldn't save you from yourself
Your insecurities were just too strong
You were blinded by lust that became a hopeless habit
There was no turning back
You broke my spirit and my belief in love
You gave up on us
How can you love one minute and hate the next?
I will never understand
I believed in you till the very end, perhaps I didn't know you well

The scavenger

Glistening under the noon day sun,

He potters around aimlessly
His charm you just cannot miss, he is on top of his game
Sweeping you off your feet when he is at his best
A well toned body oiled with an excess of alcohol
Makes for good eye candy though not much else

Limited conversation for there's no substance in his brain
A great entertainer but the stories tend to get a bit stale
A cheat, a two timer a disrespectful male whore
You can have a bit of fun but nothing more

If you think he is a good friend, you better think again
He is good at what he does and convinces you he is the real thing
Women are so foolish they would betray their best mate
To play a few seconds in this losers game

He feeds on garbage at the bottom of the food chain
If you fill his stomach he will repay you well
His attention span is limited
The roving eye takes very short breaks
He is a trained hunter, he'll no sooner be back to his game

One true love

This feeling I have, its very real
You came into my life not a moment too soon
And now I'm on a constant high
The first day I met you, I was so confused
Afraid to even move, thinking I would lose you
It took a few weeks to get used to the thought, that you were real

I felt myself smiling each morning
There were butterflies inside me and a song in my heart
A few months down the road when I held you in my arms
My world just stopped
You looked so gorgeous, a miracle, a work of art
I couldn't stop the tears that fell on that february morning
I felt so blessed I couldn't stop staring
I just knew you were going to be, the love of my life

Many moons have passed, you are all grown up
But I still feel my heart go a flutter, when you are near
Your wit, your charm I can't get enough of
Your hugs and kisses are truly the best
I see you each morning and I thank God
For giving me his best gift
To have and to hold forever at last

My prayer for you as you turn seven
Is to be a good man someday
Don't forget your values and the people who love you
Remember life will be scary but for the most part a great journey
If you have your sense of humour it will be quite a good ride

My little man, my son I love you with all my heart
You came into my life and changed it from the very start
My little miracle my blessing from God
You will always be the light of my life.

Isn't it ironic, do you think?

You put me on cloud nine for quite a while
Nothing seemed to matter when I held your hand
No strings attached was a bad idea from the start
We had different views on what that meant
I craved for you but you took things to the extreme
Multi tasked, abused my trust, broke my heart and left me wounded
My world crashed around me, I could bearly speak
I called out to you but you were long gone

It took me awhile to get it together
My shattered heart finally healed
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn't hate you
You always remained close to my heart
A good friend and confidant
Years went by many miles between us
Our lives have changed our paths running parallel
Never to meet again at any crossroad

You are back in my space, I don't think you ever fully left
But your renewed interest comes a moment too late
My hearts closed up my mind is blank
No feelings left, just nightmares of a past I'd rather forget
Seeing you again brought back good memories, it also brought back the pain
No more drama I say. I can't do this again
You want me now but I don't feel the same
I don't think I ever will.

Moments

I see you with the corner of my eye
You still look the same, nothings changed
Behind those eyes the reality of life has taken its toll
I smile at you, but you just stare
My heart skips a beat and my knees start to shake
I think to myself, will it always feel this way?
Seconds pass, I walk away and my heart clamps up again
I can feel you watching me as I walk on by, but you won't stop me
No, not this time or the next.

We were two souls lost in a parallel universe,
surrounded by reality
We had our moment and now its passed
All we will have are memories and these moments of reality
Yes, the same moments day in day out
No closure, no goodbye
It will always be this way, just you and I
Lost, in the moment of reality.